know your stars FF7 style
by Anyhoodle77
Summary: i got my braces tightend,im on asprin, i felt like writing, this is what came out enjoy updated! Update- 2/17/09 Vincent is up and yes i changed my Penname your not crazy
1. Tifa Lockhart

Uh… yeah….hi….Um… its me continuing my bad habit of starting things and not finishing other stuff, anyways, here's a little explanation before I begin…I just got my braces tightened like a lot…so I'm on a lot of aspirin and so this is what came out instead of an update on my other story…hehe

Disclaimer: I don't own it any of it…so don't sue me for anything

Summary: I'm on aspirin…this is a know your stars hehe

_Disembodied vice_

current Character

**_other character_**

Ok let's start with Tifa k…..

_Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars_

_Tifa Lockhart...thinks you're a jerk…_

What? No I don't…I don't even know who your talking about

_Tifa Lockhart got arrested for egging a house_

hey I was young we all make mistakes…..cloud was there too!

_Tifa Lockhart speaks fluent klingon _

uh not really well I do speak klingon but not fluent …. Oh but cloud does!

_Tifa Lockhart wasn't cool enough for a weapon_

No that's not true, its not that I'm not worthy I just don't like using weapons

_Mmmhmmm…just Admit it... you're not cool enough...square..._

Did you just call me a square?

_Tifa Lockhart has an imaginary friend named benji _

No I don't! Wait why benji?

_Tifa Lockhart...used to be a guy..._

that's not true either….how could you say something like that?

_Oh come on nothing that good looking could be real_

Well it is!

_Mmhmmmm..._

_Tifa Lockhart doesn't know I have incriminating photos of her on a website_

you do? No you don't! I don't do that!

_You used to wear a skirt and tank top right?_

uh…yeah so

_That's you washing that car isn't it?_

ahhhhh! Where did you find that?

_Wouldn't you like to know?_

but...

_Tifa Lockhart…is for sale on eBay _

What? When did that happen?

_Starting bids 5.00$_

Wait….that's all? Is that all I'm worth to you people……

_(Laughing) going once…_

Wait

_Going twice_

Don't I get a say?

_Sold! To a fan boy in Colorado in the inuyasha T-shirt for 7.50$_

(Gaping in disbelief)

_(sing song) Ah ha you got sold on eBay_

(Still shocked)

_Never mind…the blond guy just took it off take a breath_

Huh……took off….

_Tifa Lockhart…currently works at Hooters_

What the? How do you know that? Who told you that!

_Cloud did..._

O.O

_**Cloud's disembodied voice: (laughing)**_

CLOUD!

**_What?_**

I told you not to tell anyone!

_**oh please like it's a secrete your like employee of the month**_

but still...wait…... Are you the guy who sold me on eBay?

_**(giggles) maybe……**_

_Wanna know something else?_

do I have a choice?

_No_

Fine tell me

_Cloud gave me the pictures_

_**(stops laughing)**_

O.O

_**I can explain**_

I knew someone was watching me! (Really mad) I'm gonna kill you……..where the hell are you?

_**come and find me**_

you can't hide from me

_**the hell I can't**_

(Looks around) don't make me look for you! (Gets up and starts looking) because when I find you I'm going to take your sword and sh……

_Now you know tifa Lockhart_

no they don't! Hey came back……I want those pictures back… Who are you? I'll find you both!

_Don't you have to go to work?_

….no…. (Sigh) yes…..

_**Next is cloud**_

Ok was that alright? Oh well I had fun writing so read and review was the dialogue confusing?


	2. Cloud Strife

Hello! It's me again! I'm glad some of you thought my weird ideas are funny so….lets have some fun!

Disclaimer: I don't own it so don't sue me

_Disembodied voice_

Character

_**Other character**_

_Know your stars...know your stars... Know your stars_

_Cloud strife thinks girls are icky_

That's not true, I think Tifa is quite lovely, and I like Aerith what are you talking about?

_Cloud strife likes to play with dolls_

There action figures!

_Cloud strife is an emo _

It was a phase!

_Cloud strife fills in for the verizon guy on the weekends_

That was random wait is that the "can you hear me now?" guy?

_Cloud strife is a klepto _

Oh come on! Do you really think i'd do something like that?

_Does your hair defy gravity?_

Huh?

_Cloud strife is getting fired from his job_

What? I'm not getting fired; I'm free lance why would I fire myself?

_I dunno you're the one getting fired_

I'm not getting fired!

_Cloud strife turns into a cat when you hug him_

No I don't…

_Then why dont you let people hug you?_

(broods) none of your business

_Cloud strife is a communist_

What the? No I'm not where did that come from?

_Cloud strife is a Portuguese ninja_

Oh now I'm a Portuguese ninja? How can I be a Portuguese ninja? That doesn't make sense! Besides I thought I was a communist!

_You're both_

How can I be both?

_I don't know you're the communist_

I'm not an F-ing communist!

_Cloud strife wasn't good enough to be a soldier _

Ouch

_You got soul but your not a solider eh cloud?_

Leave me alone...

_(Starts singing) I got soul, but I'm not a soldier _

Stop it

_sing along, I got soul, but I'm not a soldier _

Stop it!

_Cloud strife frequently gets arrested for DUI and resisting arrest_

That was once! One time! Ok twice

_You sure like those mojitos don't you cloud_

Yes…no wait what? start over!

_Cloud strife's favorite song is 'it's raining men'_

That's not true!

_Sure its not...mojito boy_

I don't even drink cocktails!

_That's not what you said on the video_

O.O what video...?

_video of you at resisting arrest...great james bond impression by the way...cute accent_

what?...Wait….the one from the new years party?

_Maybe...could have been st. patrick's day...no it was new years you had those cute little 2007 glasses_

Where did you get that who would give you the tape…? (Gasps then gets all serious)…..tifa

**_Tifa comes out of nowhere and tackles cloud: I told you I'd find you!_**

**_Wanna know something else about him? He's not a natural blond!_**

(From under her) Yes I am….fine then those, they aren't real!

**_Yes they are!_**

Guy!

**_Bleach blond!_**

_Cloud strife and Tifa Lockhart got drunk then got married over the weekend_

**(Both of them)...**

_Too many mojitos I guess huh kids?_

**(Both at the same time to each other)****I told you not to say anything! (Resume trying to kill each other)**

_Now you know cloud strife _

_**No they don't!when Cloud gets drunk he likes to pretend he'sJames bond!**_

That is such a lie...besides they all ready know that

_**I got it all on tape**_

I got pictures of you at work too!

_**shut up mojito boy!**_

you shut up or i'll put you back on eBay!

_(Watches mercilessly) Yes dance my puppets dance..._

_Next is either aerith or sephiroth not sure yet_

Well there's another chapter…mmm not my best work but it certainly was fun…I heart torture. Read and review

Notes: _The song is "all the things that I've done" by the killers _

_And a mojito is a cocktail_


	3. Aerith Gainsborough

Hello my lovely fans tis I your favorite story writer weird person thingy……..I know I'm weird. Schools almost over!...I don't really have a life…anyway……new chapter huzzah!

(Note) these ones kinda short don't hate me

Disclaimer: I don't own it so don't sue me

_Disembodied vice_

Current Character

_**Other character**_

_Know your stars... know your stars... know your stars_

_Aerith Gainsborough hates her last name_

No...Actually I'm quite fond of my last name

_Aerith Gainsborough is a popular German pop star!_

I'm not a singer, I don't even speak German

_Aerith Gainsborough has a glass eye_

Where'd that one come from?

_Aerith Gainsborough did several old navy commercials_

I needed a job ok

_Why didn't you just get a job at Hooters I'm sure tifa could have got you a spot?_

Did cloud tell you that? Ooooh he's in trouble

_Aerith Gainsborough faked her own death for the insurance money_

I would never do anything like that! That's awful! why would I do something like that?

_To fund your fightclubs_

what do you know?... (covers her mouth)

_Aerith Gainsborough is actually the ring leader of several fightclubs_

Who'd you talk to? Was it cloud?

**_(Cloud) Why does everyone always automatically think it's my fault?_**

Because it is!

_I thought the first rule was not to talk about it?_

(Mumbles something)

_Aerith Gainsborough is addicted to pain killers_

Where are you getting this stuff? What would make you think I'm on drugs?

_You're too calm and fine with everything...something's wrong_

But I'm not on anything!

_mmmhmmm_

_Aerith Gainsborough likes to blow up mailboxes on Wednesdays_

(Crosses arms mumbles)…… and holidays

_What was that? _

Nothing

_Aerith Gainsborough is about to be arrested for vandalism, insurance fraud, durg possesion and conspiracy_

What?

(Cops burst in and suround her)

What I uh um……. (Gets up and runs) you'll never catch me alive!

_Heheh now you know Aerith Gainsborough_

Next is either sephiroth or vincent

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm not my best work...I coulda done better... I'm thinking up more material, so don't hate me. Oh well read and review


	4. Sephiroth

Hello! New chapter, I'm trying really hard because my writers block is starting to come back and I'm running out of material, so I'm trying, was the last chapter alright? Oh well here's a new one…I tried to mix it up a bit enjoy……

(Note) if its not that funny don't hate me…gimmie suggestions then

Disclaimer: I don't own it so don't sue me

_Disembodied vice_

Current Character

_**Other character**_

**Extra character**

_Know your stars...know your stars... Know your stars_

_Sephiroth will totally stab you with a bowling ball_

How can I stab someone with a spherical object there's no sharpness to it...

_Sephiroth like his men like he loves his drinks strong sweet and under an umbrella_

o.O I'm not even going to touch that one

_Sephiroth likes to knit in his spare time_

I don't knit ok

_Sephiroth...wants to be a door to door salesman who sells doors door to door_

…….that's redundant and annoying

_Sephiroth is afraid of the teletubbies_

They are kind of weird if you think about it…..teletubbies (shudder)

_Sephiroth is a Nazi spy_

Hey I'm not a Nazi! How can I be a Nazi I'm not even German…

_How do we know that...NAZI!_

I'm not a NAZI

_Sephiroth is passionately in love with cloud strife_

The hell? Why does everyone always say that?

_So it's true?_

No...one he's a guy...two he has Tifa

_Jealous?_

What? Of Tifa? No way...though she does have beautiful hair though

_Mhmmm_

Fine call cloud and ask him

_Ok you're the boss (dials and rings)_

**_Tifa: (sounds tired) Hello_**

_Hello... remember me?_

**_(deadpan) how could I forget_**

_Soo How's work?_

_**What do you want?**_

_Sehpy here is jealous of you... Because you have clou...(gets cut off)_

_**Huh?**_

I said you had nice hair…….Uh yeah it's me is cloud there?

**_Uh yeah but………(muffled whining noises, she yells something) he's busy having another episode can I take a message for him or something?_**

He's in the corner talking to aerith again isn't he?

**_Yeah, did he do that a lot?_**

Oh yeah that's why he NEVER QUALIFIED!

**_Cloud: (whining) I WAS A GOOD SOILDER YOU WERE JUST BLIND AND NARROW MINDED _**

**_Tifa: Cloud you're such a girl….oh wait I didn't….(sigh) now he's crying_**

Give him the phone I'll talk to him

**_Cloud here he wants to…yes…just take it…...damn it…..be a man for once…._**

What'd he do now?

**_He shoved his fingers in his ears and now he's humming to himself……. you know what I'll have him call you when he's done ok?_**

Ok (click)

_(sits silently)_

Your enjoying this aren't you

_Oh yes much_

Carry on

_Sephiroth doesn't do his own stunts_

Yes I do

_Tell Karen your stunt double I said hi_

Ok……wait…..damn!

_Sephiroth likes to ride a dolphin to work_

What? No I don't

_So where's your dolphin?_

There is no dolphin!

_Sephiroth's favorite color is a weasel _

A weasel is an animal not a specific color

_(ring) oh you have a call_

**_Cloud: (sniff) you called?_**

Never mind….its too late now (rolls eyes)

**_Sorry……Do I have to hang up?_**

_I don't care..._

_Sephiroth cheated on his driving test_

I don't cheat

_Sure you don't (sneeze) cheater _

Huh?

_Sephiroth wants to go back to the wild_

What wild? I'm 100 percent civilized

_Mhmmmm_

_Sephiroth wants his mommy_

I love my mother ok is that a crime

_Sephiroth has a serious gambling problem_

Hey...who told you that one?

_**(giggling)**_

Cloud you raging alcoholic how much are they paying you?

**_(still laughing) Who ever said they were paying me?_**

Because you're a delivery boy/assassin for hire of course there paying you

**_Yeah I guess…..the upkeep of my hair aint cheap……._**

_Sephiroth secretly wants to be a geisha_

I don't want to be a geisha!

_Yeah you're too busy being a Nazi_

I'm not an F-ing Nazi!

**_Aha you're a Nazi_**

_So you're a communist_

**_For the last time I'm not a communist! And I'm not fired either! so stop sending me pink slips!_**

Can I hang up on him?

_Sure thing Nazi man_

_**But…..hey…..(click)**_

_Anyway Sephiroth...(gets cut off by a ringing noise) _

_**Hello?**_

_Yes... What do you want? _

_**You hung up on me**_

_He did I didn't_

_**Whatever**_

_Listen mojito boy if you're not here to be profiled hit the road..._

Hey I heard Tifa found out about the pictures

_(sigh) _

**_Uh….yeah….._**

You've really done it this time haven't you

**_You dared me to do it_**

I didn't think you'd actually do it

_**Hey 40 dollars is 40 dollars**_

The wife's not happy huh?

**_I still can't believe you were there and didn't stop us_**

Oh you guys were enjoying yourself too much besides Mr. Bond I tryed to stop you but you kept threatening us not to interfere

_Can I finish…?_

Yeah Hold on…..Hey did you see Aerith on cops?

_(pout)_

_**Yeah I never knew she could run that fast**_

I never knew she would ever start a hostage situation like that I'm impressed

**_Too bad they gave her the taser in the end _**

Yeah…..

_Can I finish now?_

Fine go a head

_Cloud strife likes to dance in his underwear to 'its raining men'_

**_What the hell? You are never gonna let that go are you…..who told you that?_**

Uh…guilty….actually Tifa told me that one a while back…… I just put it in the surevy we took before this….hey your not the only one who knows things

_Cloud strife loves to sneak a mojito or two into his AA meetings_

Hey I remember that ….. You got caught and cried

**_Again I did that once! One time!_**

**Tifa: Actually he just did it again that's what he was crying about earlier**

**_(Whining) Tifa……fine! Sephiroth likes to play dice at his gamble meetings_**

…….(stops laughing)

_**And tifa steals t shirts from her work**_

**Hey you're the klepto not me……fine I'll play….clouds afraid of bunny slippers because of a dream he had where……(cloud covers her mouth)**

_**Hey I told you to never tell anyone…Ouch….she bit me**_

**You deserved it you crazy wino…..that's it your on the couch tonight**

_**No not again (crashing noise scuffling**...**fighting noises) **_

Oh great there trying to kill each other again...I got ten on Tifa!

_your on_

**_oh your encouraging!_**

**shut up you!**

_Heheh you! (points at sephiroth whose trying to escape) sit!_

(Sits down)

**Ow get off of me you're pulling my hair**

**_Let go of mine and I'll let go of yours_**

_I guess you can leave if you want...this could go on for a while_

I can't yet…..

_Why forgot where you parked your dolphin?_

_No... _

_**I dont have time for this...**_

**oh no...dont start what you cant finish! (crashing noise)**

(rolls eyes) fine…..I'm leaving…….

_Now you know sephiroth…..and a little more about tifa and cloud _

Well……..there ya go…..not as great as I wanted it to be but…I worked pretty hard on it, I'm running low on humor. I guess I used all my good ones on cloud and tifa. I need suggestions if you don't mind Read and review


	5. Vincent Valentine

yay ok I was just sort of about to give up on all my old projects since it took me FOREVER to update but i just got in the mood and since i have no life i thought id take another crack at it. I might be a tad rusty so this one might be shorter than id like so be kind ^ ^ tankie enjoy

note: yes i did change my pen name so your not crazy

Disclaimer: i dont own these characters nor do i own the series or anything name brand so dont sue me because i have nothing

_Disembodied vice_

current Character

**other character**

Vincent's turn....

_know your stars know your stars know your stars...._

_Vincent Valentine likes to pretend he's the Joker on weekends_

......

_Vincent Valentine is one of the new contestants of Dancing With The Stars_

-rolls eyes-

_Vincent Valentine secretly wishes he were a Jedi_

.....

_come on its not fun unless you say something back_

fine how about you take a long walk off a short pier...

_Vincent Valentine thinks John Tucker must die_

who?

_Vincent Valentine lives in a yellow submarine_

isn't that a song?

_Vincent Valentine breeds chipmunks on a chipmunk farm_

i don't own a chipmunk farm i don't even think those exist

_Vincent Valentine is afraid of drywall_

this is idiotic...and why would i be afraid of drywall? who is afraid of drywall?

_Vincent Valentine is really the Full-metal alchemist_

(sigh) no I'm not the Full metal alchemist i don't even know what that is....

_then what's with the arm thing then is it a bad-ass thing or what?_

lay off the arm

_fine_

_Vincent Valentine is a DDR master_

-scoffs- jealous

_Vincent Valentine's Chipmunk Farm will be coming to the next state fair near your check your local listings.... _

there is no chipmunk farm!

_Vincent Valentine holds the world record for most jumps on a pogo stick_

ok now your just making these up

_Vincent Valentine doesn't believe in Poptarts_

are you drunk?

_a little -smiles-_

_Vincent Valentine collects Victoria Secret bras and decorates his Christmas tree with them every year_

-stares angrily- you know what i don't have time for this - up-

_Hey! wait where are you going?_

away from you.....i don't even know why am i even agreed to this?

_because were paying you?_

um....not worth it -gets up-

_and you get access to the open bar later?_

......

_and you get to help incriminate your peers?_

go on....

_but you have to finish this first_

nope still not worth it

_come on Cloud went along with it_

Cloud's a tool if you haven't noticed

_........your no fun you know that?_

So i've been told......

_fine!_

_Vincent Valentine doesn't know that i just stole his wallet_

WHAT?!

_Vincent Valentine is too sexy for his shirt_

WAIT!.....YOU STOLE MY WALLET!?

_-laughing- hey that got your attention didn't it?_

your going to give it back now!

_um no _

YES you will

_i'll give it back once were done_

....-thinks for a seconds then sits back down-

_Vincent Valentine loves Chuck E Cheese because its where a kid can be a kid_

what does that even mean!

_Vincent Valentine is a huge Twilight fan_

-twitches-

_oh right your all about The Traveling Pants right?_

i refuse to participate in this stupidity

_Vincent Valentine is team Jacob all the way_

-mutters- Am not

_Vincent Valentine stayed in line for hours for the release of Breaking Dawn_

I did not

_well then where's this receipt from? its got your signature on it...._

how do you know that?

_well i was sifting through your wallet earlier and..._

GET OUT OF MY WALLET!

_come on just admit you like Twilight and i will_

i will not!

_Vincent Valentine has some interesting pictures in his wallet......_

-twitches-

_and some more receipts...._

I'm Warning you....

_what are you going to rant me to death team Edward?_

what? fine a man cant enjoy a good book!?

_just admit it..._

fine!!!.... -goes into really extreme rant about every book he's read with colorful language included- there happy? -pulls out gun- now your going to give me my wallet and let me out because were done....

_O.O -nods-_

-gets up- oh and for the record i was not a very big fan of breaking dawn...The Host on the other hand was very well written

_oh one thing before you leave i guess who gave me the idea of what to look for in your wallet -wiggles eyebrows-_

oh.....there in for it i let mardi gras slide but now their both dead....-stalks out of room-

-ahem- now you know.......Vincent Valentine?

* * *

yay another chapter done finally. took me a bit longer than i wanted to to think of jokes, and the ending was....mm alright and yeah I'm a Twilight fan, and i didn't particularly enjoy BD . sorry

Read and Review!


End file.
